Made a Decision 

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           Our Cunning, Baffling, Powerful (and Patient) Disease

"I went to a meeting last night, I wasn’t feeling it. I was tired after my night shift and only having had four hours of sleep, but I’m so glad I went to hear an amazing share from one of our usual gents. He had been sober for 31 years, but seven years ago he went on a one week bender and nearly killed himself. I really needed to hear that ..."

I read that paragraph above recently and was reminded - as I so often am - of the dangers of becoming complacent about our recovery. Taking myself to meetings is an important part of staying vigilant.

In our meetings we are reminded over and over again of the dangers of skipping meetings, no matter how much sober time we may have. Denial being our middle name we need that reminder. And we need it often.

When Covid showed up and we were all suddenly having to go to meetings online, a lot of us old folks didn't like it. I was one of them. I whined about it for a week or two, but soon realized these were going to be our only meetings for an uncertain future, so I learned how to click my way to continued sobriety. A lot of old-timers didn't - and a lot of old-timers got drunk.

But resistance to change is something we drunks are comfortable with and we cling tenaciously to our doubts, fears, self-loathing or hatred of others, because we find security in our old familiar pain. 

Only when remaining stuck becomes more painful than having to change our behaviors do we become willing. Most of our pain comes not from change itself, but from our resistance to change. But change is how we move forward, it's how we grow. When we invite new things into our lives, new joys can arrive, too. 

Step Ten - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it - assists us with changing old patterns. Step Ten calls for daily self-appraisal and self-correcting when we veer off course. This forces us to grow in understanding about our motives and to bring about necessary changes in the way we live our lives.

None of this happens overnight, by the way. AA is our journey of a lifetime and every step of the way we will learn new things that require us to change for the better. To not do so puts us in danger of complacency and complacency is the path to relapse. 

We must always continue to watch for - and correct when necessary - selfishness, dishonesty, fear and resentment. When these old enemies rear their ugly heads we must immediately ask our Higher Power to remove them. 

As our literature bluntly states: 

"We must not rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."

And we must also share what we learn about ourselves with others, especially the stuff we'd rather keep to ourselves. That gets - and keeps - us humble. 

Want an example? How about the following written in 1961 by none other than Bill W. himself:

 "I used to be a champ at unrealistic self-appraisal. I wanted to look only at the part of my life which seemed good. Then I would greatly exaggerate whatever virtues I supposed I had attained. Next I would congratulate myself on the grand job I was doing. 

       "So my unconscious self-deception never failed to turn my few good assets into serious liabilities. This astonishing process was always a pleasant one . . . I was falling straight back into the pattern of my drinking days . . . 

 ... I shall forever regret the damage I did to people around me. Indeed, I still tremble when I realize what I might have done to A.A. and to its future."

If you are an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous you can bet that a power greater than yourself chose you to recover to be of service to yourself and others. 

We don't need to know why we were chosen when most alcoholics never even make it through the doors of AA, or stick around long even when they do. We just need to remain deeply grateful.

And to make changes in our lives when changes are called for. It's known in AA as doing-the-doing. 

Keep doing it.  

 

Made A Decision

(68)

                         Letting Go of the Past

The Bible tells us: Sufficient unto the day are the evils therein.

AA tells us: One Day at a Time.

Our Brains Tell Us ... I was such a horrible person yesterday.

So the Bible is telling us to live in, and deal with, what’s happening today.

AA is advising us that living in today, and not in the past or future, will keep us sane. 

And our brains tell us to ignore all that free wisdom and focus on our ego-driven selves.

We can NOT change any action we took yesterday.

 We can make an amend if necessary, if one is needed, for something we did yesterday, but we can not change what we did yesterday. 

For that matter we can't change what we did one minute ago, or one second ago. 

It's done. Finished.

Learning to accept that and let it go is our challenge. And it's not an easy thing for the mentally ill to do. And alcoholism is a mental illness. It's a three-fold illness of the mind, body and spirit. 

We usually acknowledge that alcoholism physically kicked our ass, and we certainly didn't invite God in much for directions on how to live during our drinking days. But we mostly want to slide over that mental illness part.

 "Nothing wrong with my brain, thank you very much," was certainly my attitude when I was first told about the mental illness component of our disease.

I've since not only accepted it, however, I've embraced it. Knowing I am mentally ill explains so much about my behavior, and it helps me to correct it when necessary without beating myself up over it.  

Being mentally ill I am able to have a perfectly lovely day, go to bed for the night and wake up wanting to kill someone - maybe even me.

 That's my mental illness front and center. AA has given me the tools to start my day over (as many times as is necessary) to get me out of that dangerous funk.

Our Big Book, on Page 30 (4th Edition), tells us: 

"The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."

And then there's depression. Being of a depressive state of mind I can also wake up, and usually do, with negative thoughts pushing and shoving themselves for precedence in my brain. 

My sponsor says that's common, that our brains often wake up with a "Ding, Ding, Ding - You've got mail" message about how useless we are, how better we should be, how we'll never amount to anything, and other such falsehoods. 

The key, as my sponsor explains, "is just don't open the damned mail."

So True!!! 

Now, when those grim early thoughts wake up with me, I just say "Ding, Ding, Ding - Nope, not opening it," and then I choose a positive thought of gratitude to start my day on. Try it if you need to. It works every time for me!

Bill W. suffered from depression for many years even after achieving sobriety, having his last bout of it in 1955. In a letter that year he wrote:

"I used to be ashamed of my condition and so didn't talk about it. But nowadays I freely confess I am a depressive, and this has attracted other depressives to me. Working with them has helped a great deal."

And that, always, is the key. Working with others, sharing where we are, gets us out of our own mental problems better than anything else. When in doubt, reach out to another alcoholic - either for help, or to offer help. 

As for the past. We must leave our past, and the past of others, behind us. Why run bad memories we can't change through our heads over and over again? They are done. Finished. Kaput. 

If we still have an amend to make from our past, we can make it and set ourselves free, and the sooner we do that, the better. We are then able to embrace the day we're in and look forward to a better future.

Today - now - is the only time there is. So live it fully - one wonderful sober day at a time.

 

    Made a Decision

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                    The "Selfish Program" of Alcoholics Anonymous.

AA can get confusing. 

We get told we're "self-centered" and need to think of others - but then we’re advised that AA is "a selfish program" where we need to put ourselves first.

We're told we need to learn to love ourselves, but then we're told we should aim to follow the 3rd step prayer to the letter.

Here it is: "God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

I used to refer to the 3rd step prayer in my early meetings as "the Codependent Prayer," and it used to annoy the hell out of me. Which shows where I was at the start of my spiritual journey. 

AA is actually only "selfish" in the sense that its recovery program must come first in the life of a recovering addict. 

Many newcomers think their family must come first, or their job, or their social standing ... but without sobriety all those things (and more) will eventually be gone from the alcoholic's life. 

And if family, career, licenses, respect and hope are already gone, they can - and often do - return after the alcoholic experiences a period of good recovery in AA.

              (Without sobriety the losses just continue.)

The main difference between self-centered and selfish people is that a self-centered person has an excessive interest and concern for oneself, while a selfish person - in addition to that self interest and concern - also lacks consideration for others. 

Shrinks tell us that self-centered folks feel vulnerable, threatened and anxious about other people. There's often a fear of being unable to love or be loved.

If all that's true, then there's a lot of emotional pain wrapped up in being self-centered, and it can take a long old time in recovery to overcome it. 

But it's work we must do, according to our Big Book, because it's vital to our sobriety. Our book makes that crystal clear, stating: "Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles ... above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!"

Big Book also states elsewhere that alcoholism is a disease of self-centeredness. 

Then there's self-will, meaning a person dedicated to sticking to their own opinion and ideas, no matter what. These folks are convinced they are right and are willing to argue with anyone who might disagree.

 Our Book lets us know alcoholics are textbook cases of "self-will run riot." 

Like everyone with a bad case of selfish self-willed self-centeredness, I also suffered plenty of self-delusion and self-pity when I arrived in AA. We pretty much all seem to arrive with that kind of baggage to unpack. And we learn how to do that by doing it. Once we learn, and do the work of recovery, our lives - and relationships - get a lot easier.

Right there in the much-read Chapter Five it states: "Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments or our self-pity? That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate."

In other words: When we sober up physically and emotionally, and stop stepping on the toes and feelings of others, we don't get clobbered in return.

Selfishness, self-centeredness, and self-seeking all crop up throughout our AA literature, from the Big Book to the 12&12, and even in our much-loved AA Promises where we are told "self-seeking will slip away."

All my life before AA, and long-after in recovery, I expected people to do things for me and resented them if they didn't. I thought my wealthier friends should pick up the lunch tab. I thought they should always consider me to be their "best friend," not just "a friend." I thought they should find me monopolizing our conversations as endearing and not annoying. 

Self-centered? Me? Well, yes indeedy I was. To the extreme.

It takes clearing away the wreckage of the past, learning new ways to live, caring for our fellow AA members through service work, prayer and meditation, and a growing self-awareness before we can even see that we were indeed "self-will run riot" in our lives and in the lives of others.

We learn from our readings, our step work, our sponsors and our group members how to win out over our egocentric thoughts and actions. 

And now we’re back to my favorite non-word again: it takes a bit of SLOW-briety.

 

Made A Decision

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                    When the Bad Times Arrive

On that August day in 2010 there were police cars, a forensics van, crime scene tape, people huddled together in the blistering heat and Christy's dogs panting with nervousness on the front lawn.

My head struggled to compute.

I had arrived at the home of my sponsee to house and pet sit for a couple of days while she went on an out of town job interview. 

There would be no job interview. Christy had been murdered.

I remember every detail of that horrible day in technicolor, but I won't inflict those brutal details into your psyche. Just know that those of us in recovery who knew her and loved her didn't drink over our loss. And that included her own mother.

We didn't have to drink because we were there to help one another get through it. In the days following Christy's death we circled our wagons, took care of her beloved pets, dealt with the police, stayed with her Mom, and held one another up. We went to a lot of meetings. 

I spoke at the packed funeral where there were many tears, but there was laughter, too, as we remembered Christy's own humor. We knew what we had lost in the horrible death of our sober friend, but we also knew she would never, ever, want us to drink over our loss. No one who knew her did. To drink would have dishonoured Christy's memory. Instead, because we were sober, we could be there for everything that mattered to her.

Out of every experience of grief or suffering, when our Higher Power seems distant or absent, we discover new strengths within ourselves to see us through. 

We are then better able to help others get through their own tough times.

We all want to live happily ever after every single day of our lives. But sadly, life doesn't work like that.

While it's true that a sober life offers us wonderful opportunities, amazing friends, and "A life beyond our wildest dreams," it also carries with it "life lessons" and some of them can be harsh.

The good news is, when tough stuff shows up, so does our Higher Power, our AA friends, and all the tools for living a good sober life that we've learned in recovery.

We often hear the saying "God never gives us more than we can handle," and while that is actually true, it sure as hell doesn't feel like it in the really bad times. 

But those are our strengthening times, our growth times, our testing times, our opportunities for our greatest service to others. 

A clay pot always remains a clay pot until bathed in fire to become porcelain. 

When we live long enough we experience loss. Loss of friends. Loss of parents. Loss of a job, a house, family members, or a beloved pet. No one gets off scott free. Pain comes to us all. 

The revelation is we don't have to drink over any of it. 

Pain, suffering, grief, fear and loss all drive us to our knees where we, once again, find the Holy Presence to lift us.

 When we are in a situation beyond our heart and mind's ability to understand, we become able to reach a deeper level of spiritual understanding. We surrender to accept - and to learn.

It's the same lesson - force ten - that we had when we surrendered our desire and compulsion to drink to a Power Greater than Ourselves. 

We then can take the understandings that develop and put them to use in service to others. 

I had an interesting day yesterday, one filled with AA friends from all over the world, laughter, a great online meeting, sunshine, a letter from my just-turned-21-year-old grandson, music drifting up from the village festival below this mountain, and news of the death of an AA friend in Ireland.

So my day was one of connection, humor, an AA meeting, being outdoors, family news, music, and loss and sadness. One Day at a Time that's just what life is, a mixture of emotions in which we seek to understand the heart, mind and will of our Higher Power  and of ourselves.

I can't promise you'll stay sober through pain until I've stayed sober through my own.  

And I have. And I will.  And you will, too. 

 

Made A Decision

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               Uniquely Qualified

"Giving good wishes to others acts like sunlight, filtering into the dark corners of their minds and lightening their burden."

Who wouldn't want to do that?

We didn't -

not back in those nightmare years of alcohol abuse.

But now that we're awake in AA we have better dreams - dreams that include helping others wake from their alcoholic nightmare, too.

Never fall into the trap of thinking you're too new in recovery to actually

become the hand of AA that reaches out to others ... you reached out to

others at your very first meeting by your courage in being there.

And by coming back for your second meeting you inspired us all once again.

As author Oswald Chambers wrote: "God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future."

As our own Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book states:

"It was discovered that when one alcoholic had planted in the mind of another the true nature of his malady, that person could never be the same again."

In AA we learn our job is to try to bring out the good, not to criticize the

bad. Every alcoholic has suffered plenty being criticized and judged. That

didn't get us sober. 

Hearing that we could change ... that there was a solution for our problem ... that was the key.

And it's AA members who hand the still-suffering alcoholic the keys to the kingdom.

We are uniquely qualified to do so.

We know from experience what the newcomer is fearing and feeling.

And we know the freedom they'll find in AA. 

We don't look for "the bad" in our newcomers, we look for the good. That kind of "judging others" always pays off.

We encourage the good points we find and ignore any bad, knowing the good will quickly win out as recovery takes hold.

Like most of us (all?) I arrived in AA thinking my life was over. That I was the ultimate loser. That a thirsty life without being able to take a drink was all that lay ahead for me.

Oh, woe!

But I left my first meeting with a new thought ... and with a smidgen of hope ...

that the people in that meeting had the answer I needed; maybe my life wasn't

over? Maybe, just maybe, better days were in store?

The people in my first meeting instilled that in me. They said all the right things. Because they had lived it, they knew all the right things to say. They told me I could have a wonderful sober life, one beyond my wildest dreams, if I just gave AA a fair trial. 

And they were right! 

When we extend the hand of AA we can expect miracles of change in people's lives. We know people can be changed. All we have to do is look in the mirror!

Our troubled world needs good people helping others. We are good people

reflecting the goodness and strength we have learned in AA. And what we

do for others has impact in helping them become all they are meant to

be, too. We must never doubt our ability to channel God's strength for

others. 

What we give we also receive. When we offer strength to others we

strengthen ourselves.

Bill W., regarding his first meeting ever with Dr. Bob, the meeting that was

to launch our wonderful program of recovery, perhaps said it best:

"Dr. Bob did not need me for his spiritual instruction. He had already had more of that than I. 

What he did need, when we first met, was the deflation at depth and the understanding that only one drunk can give to another. 

What I needed was the humility of self-forgetfulness and the kinship with another human being of my own kind."

 

Made a Decision

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Life Lessons Are Never Easy

I'm in the middle of a life "lesson" at the moment and I'm feeling like I'm not doing all that great with parts of it. 

Life lessons are never easy for us alcoholics at any time in recovery. Sometimes old character defects we thought we’d surrendered long ago come back in a new and different guise to let us know we still have more work to do in that area.

My lesson involves difficult neighbors. 

I'm praying for them, doing my best to always be civil with them, not retaliating (much) over their attempts to control my behavior, and surrendering them daily to my Higher Power.

So far I have not smacked anyone upside the head, but the desire has been there a time or two. I've had to keep praying it away.

In our Big Book it says:  "... A.A. is a synthesis of all the philosophy I've ever read, all of the positive, good philosophy, all of it based on love. I have seen that there is only one law, the law of love, and there are only two sins; the first is to interfere with the growth of another human being, and the second is to interfere with one's own growth."

I believe every word of that quote. I know my neighbors are operating from pure motives in wanting to protect me from myself. They don't believe in vaccinations or mask wearing and they flood me with "information" about the dangers of same. 

 Earlier this week I politely (and without even a hint of sarcasm - gold star me) offered them some alternative websites to look at for information and said I respect their right to their opinions and only ask that they show me the same respect.

 I felt pretty good about that. 

So the following day they left me a pissy note saying I shouldn't continue to feed the neighborhood feral cats, because the food attracts rats and other vermin. I have managed to resist telling them cats kill vermin, because that will only escalate the problem. That's how wars get started - and continue.

There was a time I could have drunk over an irritating little problem like this one, or do something mean to harm them in some way, or sulked, hid, not talked to them or - worse - talked to them quite loudly and viciously. 

But in AA I have learned to believe in the power of love by having seen it in action. I've seen how it can - and does - change people for the better. It works, when we work it.

                                     I don’t want to be at war with my neighbors. 

So I'm not going to react to my current "lesson" with old behavior.

 I already know how to annihilate people. I still don't always know how to love them, though, but I'm working on it.

And it’s not just one character defect poking me with a stick right now, either. I also know how to manipulate people, having at one time been quite good at it.

I’ve done a negative bit of that this week, too. 

Acceptance, of course, is the key to getting through this lesson with a minimum of harm being done to others or to myself. So is striving for patience, tolerance, kindness and a lot less self-centeredness. 

Thank God I have the AA tool kit to work with right now. But even with it wide open in front of me, I still have moments of wanting to hammer the problem into a shape I like, rather than reaching for a tool I find more difficult to use.  

The lesson I’m here to learn from today appears to be mostly the application of "The Golden Rule" …  to do unto others as I would have them do unto me.

I’ll be a better person if I can manage to learn what my annoying neighbors are here to teach me about me, and to work on it - and to continue working - no matter how they respond.

We all have lessons our Higher Power sends to teach us. 

What's yours today?

 

Greetings …

I have begun another book project, so I no longer have as much free time available for this blog.

I will continue to write one every week, but new entries will be less than 500 words and therefore not as lengthy as those written previously.

Hopefully they will still offer something of use in your recovery.

___________________

 

 

Made a Decision

 

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Living Sober Takes Practice

 

When we have turned to mild-altering-chemicals for dealing with life over the years - with alcohol being our big one - we don’t jump ship into sobriety easily.

 

It takes time and practice - Slowbriety - to become comfortable with the very different lifestyle sobriety offers us. 

 

In the beginning we have no idea how to even live a life without high drama. We will even create situations to produce it just to elevate our comfort level.

 

 We’ll start fights with our neighbors, gossip at work, shake our fists (and fingers) at other drivers, and angrily exit meetings - with or without leaving tire rubber in the parking lot.

I know this, because I’ve done all of this - and much more.

 

As long as we don’t drink over any of the above, it’s all OK. 

We’ll learn over time that a life without high drama contains serenity. And serenity will truly - eventually - become our goal!

 

Newcomers often speak of the beauty in life they are now just noticing … of the butterfly on the neighbor’s window, the magical full moon, the sparkle on the sea water … things never noticed when lost in our disease. 

 

But it can still be hard to see the butterfly when we pick a fight with our neighbor. Nor will the full moon shine as brightly when sleep eludes us because of our quarrel.

As for that sparkle on the water? Silver quickly turns to pewter when our minds darken in anger. 

 

Our happier sober lives are built with new attitudes - step by step. When we develop - with practice - the daily use of the 10th step and begin to examine our part in our problems, we’re on our way.

Was I intolerant, impatient, self-centered, afraid? Did my own confused emotions cause this problem to escalate? 

 

These are the kinds of things we learn to identify and correct as we trudge along our sober path. Don’t be impatient with yourself. If you didn’t drink over a situation that would have once sent you to the bottle, pat yourself on the back and promise yourself you’ll try to do better next time. 

 

AA's co-founder, Dr. Bob, himself said, "I don't think we can do anything very well in this world unless we practice it.

And I don't believe we do A.A. too well unless we practice it … That was not easy for me, and I assume that it is difficult for everyone else."