Made a Decision

(77)

               Mood Swingers

We hear it over and over again, that we have a physical, spiritual and

MENTAL

illness ... but we don't want to believe our sanity is suspect.

Despite years of getting into trouble from our drinking (true, at least,

for most of us), we continued to believe we could get a handle on it.

That there was nothing wrong with us. That the truly insane

decisions we often made were reasonable.

Think about those mood swings, where we used to (still?)

have a great day, go to bed happy, wake up in the morning

suicidal - or homicidal. Normal?

I used to hear people in meetings talking about panic attacks

and didn't identify. Then one day a member actually described her

panic attacks and I realized I'd had them all my life!

I just hadn't named them!

Alcoholics self-medicate their symptoms of mental illness by drowning

them in alcohol. We used it to calm ourselves, give ourselves courage,

to get to sleep, to be able to socialize or otherwise feel comfortable

in ourselves. 

My favorite drink was to pour black rum into black coffee, giving myself

uppers and downers in the same cup. I genuinely thought (if thinking is

the correct term for this kind of thought process) that this drink balanced

me out!

Anxiety, after all, was my middle name for most of my younger life

(helped along by my balancing drink, no doubt) and it can still nibble

around the edges of my sober mental health. 

Had I not had to go out to work to feed my children I'd have made a

great agoraphobic. Even now I feel a twinge of anxiety every time I

have to leave home and connect with the world outside my safe house.

We've all heard the saying, "What goes up must come down," but we

alcoholics can carry that to the extreme. This is especially true of our

moods. We love it when we're way, way up (manic) and we despair

when we are way, way down (depressed). For many of us these

extreme swings in mood feel "normal." 

Spoiler alert - they're not.

It takes time to even recognize them. Only then can we address them.

And mostly, with the help of our Twelve steps, defeat them. Working the

steps clears away the rubble!

Our drinking was only a symptom of the far more pervasive disease of

wanting to escape from our minds. Stopping drinking begins the

lifetime process of recovery from our unmanageable lives, our unruly

emotions and our often distressing relationships with others.

In recovery we learn our "triggers." including our much quoted  "H.A.L.T. -

meaning to not let ourselves get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. 

When we first hear this simple advice we often discount it. But as we

progress in sobriety we come to value it for the wisdom it offers.

Neglecting any of those four triggers can cause our moods to swing -

and not in a good way.   

One day at a time, under the guidance of our Higher Power, the directions

in our literature, and supported by our friends in the Fellowship in working

the steps of recovery, we can become healed.

And here's the most amazing part of that healing, we never stop learning!

I have known this for a long time, but I had it underlined very recently

when I got an interesting revelation about my own mental health that

has caused me to think about my entire life in an entirely new way. 

So buckle up, Buttercup, alcoholism is indeed a mental illness and

more will be revealed. If that interests you - tune in next week for a

blog devoted almost entirely to that subject!

 

Made A Decision

(76)

                    Self-Seeking Will Slip Away

Ever seen a "roaring drunk" in action? 

Ever been one? 

Self-discipline isn't any alcoholic's strong suit. When drunk, we behaved like rebellious, dangerous, overgrown toddlers - alienating friends, foes, and loved ones alike in the process.

Self-centered to the extreme upon arrival into AA, we so easily dismiss all of that in our early recovery. After all, we're on the right track now, aren't we? Why don't our loved ones seem to recognize it and give us some credit?

Maybe it's because when drunk we smashed holes in walls, wrecked furniture, broke their treasured belongings, said vicious unforgivable things, forgot events important to them, frightened them, shamed them and sometimes even hit them. 

Drunks do all of that - and worse. Those who suffer at our hands remember those things, because - unlike us -  their minds were not fogged by alcohol. 

It takes time, sometimes a very long time, for them to forgive our drunken history (if ever) - or trust that our sobriety will continue. 

But we don't know all that at first. In the beginning of our recovery it's all about the all-important me, me, me. 

We arrive in AA self-centered to the extreme. 

All of us!

I fought every single change our program requires of us when I first got here. 

That's because I took offence easily, argued incessantly, gossiped outrageously, dated inappropriately, ate lots of junk food, went on crash diets, resented my sponsor's advice, sulked, whined, until finally - 

slowly and reluctantly, dragging my feet every step of the way - I began to grow up.

In most of our meetings we hear "How It Works" read from Chapter Five in our Big Book. Go now to where that reading leaves off and read from there. 

That was me when I got to AA; I suspect you may identify, too.

Self-will run riot is our modus operandi when we get into recovery. We arrive with the maturity level of the age at which we began our drinking and drugging. 

It doesn't matter if by then we have teenagers of our own, we're at their same emotional level - or even much younger, because our immature behavior forced them to grow up sooner. 

And we all know what fun teenagers can sometimes be to be around! Sulky, moody, sarcastic, socially awkward and otherwise difficult. 

That's who we are when we arrive in AA. 

AA is where we finally get to grow up. 

All of us!

But, like everything else in recovery, it takes time and practice to learn (over and over again) tolerance, patience, and kindness until these become our new way of life. 

It takes time to become less critical, more positive. It takes time to control our impulses to "blow off steam" in ways that harm others. 

Learning to quiet our minds, to become our best friend rather than our worst enemy, is the goal. 

I'm glad I remember my own early AA behavior, because I am never surprised when newcomers tell me one thing and do another. 

When they agree they probably shouldn't be in a relationship right away and shag someone new that same week. 

When they complain that this member or that isn't doing their fair share of work in the group. 

When they arch a cynical eyebrow at an old-timer's suggestions in a meeting.

When they overthink everything, especially the God thing.

But I'm never amused when I see them setting themselves up to take their toys and go home. Because "home" to an alcoholic means a return to the bottle.  And for us to drink means to die.

Staying in recovery means growth and change, but thankfully we can grow and change at our own pace. We have the choice to learn how to surrender our will to our Higher Power on a daily basis - or - remain slaves to our self-will by demanding everything go our way.

"Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly."

By staying sober and continuing to Do-the-Doing we eventually become the wonderful human beings we were meant to become at the start of our lives. 

So the best thing we can do is to relax, to understand that recovery is a journey of discovery and not a one size fits all (in a hurry) destination. 

Finally, we must all learn to follow AA's Rule 62: 

"Don't take yourself too damn seriously."

You'll find that rule in our literature.

 Go find it. 

Learn something today!

 

Made A Decision

(75)

                           Keeping AA Alive

When I'm now asked to do the main share in meetings I try to remember to point out to those there that I am no longer the future of AA - they are!

I already know what AA has given me and what it has to offer, even though it's still unfolding and delighting me with new information on a regular basis. 

I've studied the books, I work the steps, I sponsor others, have started many meetings, served in virtually every trusted servant capacity, have a home group, and have been "passing it on" now for more than four decades. 

But older members like myself eventually and inevitably depart for "that bigger meeting in the sky," so AA's youngsters (of all ages) need to step up if AA is to continue serving as the refuge for suffering alcoholics. 

By doing so, they'll also keep and protect their own safe harbor in the process. But to do so, they need to know what holds AA together.

AA's Traditions hold it together.

Passionately and argumentatively forged and hammered out by AA's earliest members, the Traditions protect AA from both outside influences and from ourselves. 

Our 12 & 12, which clearly outlines and explains every Tradition for us, offers this information about their inception: 

At one time . . . every A.A. group had many membership rules.  Everybody was scared witless that something or somebody would capsize the boat . . . The total list was a mile long. If all those rules had been in effect everywhere, nobody could have possibly joined A.A. at all . . .

 

The 12 & 12 also tells us:

Over the years, every conceivable deviation from our Twelve Steps and Traditions has been tried. That was sure to be, since we are largely a band of ego-driven individuals. 

Children of chaos, we have definitely played with every brand of fire, only to emerge unharmed and, we think, wiser. These very deviations created a vast process of trial and error which, under the grace of God, has brought us to where we stand today.

Our Twelve Traditions give us the guidelines for our own group, other groups, and for our fellowship throughout the world. They outline our purpose as a society, establish our requirement for membership, and define our policies for public relations, finances, and so much more.

Originally drafted by Bill Wilson, these principles were refined by both our founders and early members. They were later accepted and endorsed in 1950 by the membership at large during an International Convention of AA in Cleveland, Ohio.

Many AA members, especially newcomers, don't give our Traditions much thought and are perfectly content to let others manage the business of their home group. And, when those others are grounded in the Traditions, putting plans, policies and principles into action, that's fine. 

But when a group's leader (or leaders) become controlling and power-driven, the survival of the group itself is then at risk. So all AA members, even its newer members, need to learn and put our Traditions into practice in our group - and in our lives.

Merely sometimes reading the Traditions in meetings isn't enough. They need to become part of our DNA, to become principles we apply in our groups and as guardrails in our own lives. 

There are in-person and zoom study groups offering the chance to study them with others. There are Tradition workshops available, too. Go find them! Learn something!

Applying the Traditions guarantees the equality of all AA members and the independence of all groups.  They are our fellowship's safety net; they protect and hold us together.

 And we must know our Traditions to keep them - to keep alive our three vital legacies of recovery, unity, and service. 

As one of our co-founders wrote in a long ago letter: "When it comes to survival for AA, nothing short of our very best will be good enough.”

Our "very best" requires us all to thoroughly ground ourselves in our Traditions.

Working the Steps protects our sobriety. Working the Traditions protects us all.

Made A Decision

(74)

                Where's the Magic Bullet?

        (For those whose problem isn't alcohol, rather it's an alcoholic!)

"How can I get my ... daughter, husband, son, wife, friend, uncle, aunt, cousin, neighbor, co-worker, lover, boss, grandchild, step-dad, etc. etc. etc. ... sober?"

It’s the most heart-wrenching question recovering alcoholics can ever hear, because the answer is: "You can't."

Sadly, there is no magic bullet to shoot down drunks and drag them into AA. I’ve wished for one many times, but in recovery it's truly every woman or every man for themselves.

I always recommend the 12-step program of Al-Anon to those suffering from loving someone who, in their eyes, is hell-bent on destroying themselves and everyone in their orbit. 

But, just like suggesting AA to a still drinking alcoholic, people suffering from "alcoholic over-exposure," usually don't want to hear about Al-Anon, either. 

I used to wonder why that was, but now I think it's either about control, or an unwillingness to believe anyone has a better solution for their “unique” problem, or a need for the family scapegoat to keep that job so others can feel better about themselves.

"I may have some problems, who doesn't? But at least I'm not the total fuck up my sister (niece/cousin/or-any-other) is."

"I've done everything I could possibly do to help. I've paid their rent. Cared for their children. Taken groceries over there ... but he/she just won't listen to reason."

In the big picture the problem child (alcoholic) makes everyone feel better about their own lives, especially those who enjoy a drink or two and can do so without overdoing it.

But when we're invested in trying to control anyone's behavior we're soon destined to feel frustrated, baffled, and eventually angry. People are not puppets. God gave each of us free will to either use for our good or our harm.

Despite the fact that alcoholics can be obnoxious, destructive, self-centered, controlling, and virtually impossible to deal with when they are drinking - Alcoholism is an illness - a chronic, terminal, fatal, progressive illness with detectable symptoms as it progresses.

And - here's the big thing - alcoholics don't know they are ill. 

The drug ethanol, found in every alcoholic beverage, inflames the brain.

Even one drink impacts the ability to think clearly.

Larger amounts actually cause the brain to swell.

Imagine trying to think clearly with a swollen brain!

No one would shout at someone with a broken leg - "Get up and walk you lazy bastard." We wouldn't tell someone with diabetes, "You've brought this on yourself eating all that sugar." We don't tell someone with cancer to "Stop being such a victim."

And yet non-alcoholics say hurtful things to drinking alcoholics all the time:

"You disgraced our entire family with your behavior last night."

"Don't you realize what this is doing to your children? "

"What is WRONG with YOU?"

"If you loved me you wouldn't keep drinking when you know it hurts me so much."

And so on (and on, and on).

We alcoholics get asked - often - “Why don’t you just have a couple of drinks and then stop?”  We have no answer when we're still drinking, because we don’t know that a single drink in an alcoholic ignites a physiological response known as “craving,” where one drink is too much and a hundred aren’t enough.

People watching us self-destruct truly do not understand how we can not see that it is our drinking that's causing us all our problems, but we honestly, truly, completely do not see it. 

We can't allow ourselves to see it, because we are full of fear and have serious doubts there's anything that can help us. Drinking shuts down that fear, while assuring us our drinking isn't as bad as all that.

If you are hoping for sobriety for someone close to you, all the lectures in the world won't change them. All the "shoulds" and "whys" and "please" won't budge them.

What you can do is put some AA brochures in their path, or a copy of AA's Big Book of recovery, but that's about it. Once that's done it's time to shut up and leave the alcoholic with it.

I firmly believe my brother, Robert, prayed me into the rooms of AA after first showering me with a ton of AA brochures. I will always be grateful for him pointing me toward AA ... but I sure as hell wasn't when all those brochures arrived!  

And I certainly wasn't convinced AA could help very-special-me when I finally did get into recovery. I stayed sober for three years, one nervous day at a time, before I was able to relax a bit and believe that AA might actually continue to work for me.

It did work.

It continues to work. It has worked for me for 41 sober years now.

And if it can work for me it can work for any alcoholic who gives it their best try.

But how to get them to try? 

Alcoholics have to have their own personal "moment of clarity," where we suddenly see what we're doing to ourselves and desperately want to escape. Only then can we become willing to try something - anything - new.

In AA it's called "hitting bottom," and it can occur at any stage in our drinking. 

So if there's an alcoholic in your life you're hoping to see get sober, please remember you are dealing with a sick person needing to get well, not a bad person who needs to become good. 

The AlAnon program has helped millions of people with your problem. Go there for a minimum of six meetings before you decide if it can help you or not.

There's relief in AlAnon for you if you'll give it a chance to work. Today could be the day for you to hit your own "bottom" with your problem.

That's my prayer for you.

 

Made A Decision

(73)

                              A Death in the Family

Jay was my first AA death from our disease. He died almost 40 years ago, but the shock of his death reverberates throughout my sober life every time a beloved member of our AA family leaves us and then dies.

Jay was six years sober when I arrived in AA. He was the "old timer" in our group of struggling brand newbies. He was our rock. He gave me a copy of the Little Red Book when I most needed it. He helped everyone in our group in special thoughtful ways like that.

I truly doubt I'd be alive today to write these words were it not for the hand of AA Jay consistently reached out to me in my struggling early days of recovery.

We were only allowed to share after we'd had a full year of sobriety in those days. Shortly after I became qualified to speak I was asked to share my story at a treatment center 40 miles away in a small town I'd never heard of. But Jay knew where it was and, without hesitation, drove me there and back for the occasion.

And then, when he was ten years sober Jay drank again. 

At first none of us in our group believed it. Then we did. Then we struggled with what to do, how to handle this situation, how to get Jay back into recovery?

But mostly, because we didn't know what to do, we just talked about it with each other. 

I called Jay a couple of times in the months that followed and invited him for a coffee. He always said we would get together. But we never did. And then he died. 

Our laughing, pipe-smoking, wonderful storytelling, dearest, kindest, caring Jay was dead. 

Forever dead.

The details, one by painful one, followed. 

Jay had been living apart from his family in a small scruffy apartment. His job was gone when he began drinking high alcohol content mouthwash at work. 

On the fateful night, drunk, he fell and ruptured his spleen. He bled to death, alone, in his apartment.

Our group huddled together like wounded animals. We cried at his standing-room-only funeral. We felt shock, and sorrow, guilt and fear.

 

Guilt that we hadn't done more to try and get Jay back safely into the rooms of AA.

Fear because we knew, if it could happen to Jay, it could happen to any of us!

I've known many AA members who have died from our disease since Jay's death. Some from alcohol itself, others from alcohol-induced suicide. Death and alcoholism go hand in hand. And as the years add up in our recovery we will attend a lot of funerals. The faces of those we've lost will always haunt us.

And this week we lost another. We lost "Nurse Julie." A beautiful, talented, kind, nurturing young woman with a glamorous mop of dark auburn hair and eyes that lit up when she smiled.

Julie slipped back into the clutches of our chronic, terminal illness awhile ago. In recent weeks she had tried to make it back to AA and had attended some meetings, but it was too late for another remission of our disease. 

Today all who knew her in recovery are in shock and mourning.

A friend in the states just reminded me of another alcoholic death some years ago and of her shock when a fellow member said others have to die so we can truly understand the severity of our disease.

"I thought then, and I do still, that was the cruelest of statements," she said. "But it's also true. And it's the cruelest of lessons." 

I have also, reluctantly, come to understand that the death of a known and loved AA member is always a vivid reminder to us that AA is not a social club, it's a treatment center. We go to meetings to keep our disease at bay for one more day. 

While in our meetings we make friends, we laugh, we share, we stop isolating and we embrace our society. That's all part of recovery. It's often the very best part. But it's also very easy in such comfortable circumstances to forget why we meet!

So a death in our AA family is always a shock, a sadness, a reminder that our disease is indeed cunning, baffling, powerful, patient - and deadly.

Julie will be remembered, missed, and her death regretted by all who had the good fortune to know her.

And if one person holds onto their recovery with both hands going forward after learning of her death, her death will have served its brutal purpose.

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; Love leaves a memory no one can steal.”

There’s a beautiful Jewish condolence meant for sharing in times like this:  

“May her memory be a blessing.”

                                 

 

Made a Decision.

(72)

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Recovery is a serious business. Staying away from alcohol (and all the other drugs) requires a daily commitment. It is the most important thing we can do, because without our sobriety we stand to lose everything ...  family, job, health, life.

But, as our book tells us, "We are not a grim lot." Nor are we meant to be. In addition to being serious business, recovery is also meant to be joyful. 

We wouldn't let our car chug along burning oil, thumping forward on a flat tire or with banging noises in the engine. Just so, we need to pay attention when recovery feels like it is all work and no play.

If we're sober, but depressed. 

Sober, but unhappy. 

Sober, but feeling like it's all a bit boring ... 

It's time for an AA tune up.

Freedom from alcohol and drugs also frees us to enjoy our recovery and every other aspect of our lives. We find those things that make us happy. We find the fun!

In my first year in sobriety, a friend of mine with the same amount of sober time decided sobriety wasn’t much fun - and I agreed. So on the following Friday night we got all dolled up and went out looking for fun. We ate at a nice restaurant, which was nice, but at that point we drew a blank. Our “fun” had always involved barroom drinking, dancing, and flirting. We discovered we had no idea what to do next. 

What we did was end up at the kitchen table of another friend in early recovery where we drank pots of coffee, gossiped happily about every other member of AA, told each other more of our drinking war stories, and laughed hysterically into the wee hours of the morning. 

For many of us finding fun things to add to our lives means going back in time to our childhood to remember what fun looked like then: 

Roller skating? Football? A doll house? Jumping rope? Bike riding? Drawing pictures? Reading? Building a tree house or snow fort? Hiking in the woods? Playing with our friends?

Once we've scoured memory lane for those tidbits we can consider doing some of those things again. We'll probably find we have outgrown many childhood pleasures, but a few might surprise us by still being quite a nice fit.

We can even invite our children or grandchildren to share in our rediscoveries ... or not.  

We can always opt to share our fun, but we also have the right to be joyous, happy and free on our own if we so choose.  

Sad to say, our years of substance abuse took away our simple delight in just being alive, but recovery can restore it. 

 

Many alcoholics are also workaholics. When we find ourselves forced into having some down time we use it sit around worrying. 

Where's the fun in that?

Discovering the ability to leave the job at quitting time, to rest when we're tired, to discover what we most enjoy - from building a house to just pottering around in the one we have - is the best part of having a sober life.

We must always remember we have a disease of perception. How we view our activities can brighten them with glitter or turn them black.

Prayer and meditation center us, educate us, lift our spirits, provide companionship, and offer us a journey of adventure - 

and/or - 

prayer and meditation are just something we do hurriedly (if done at all) as just one more recovery box to tick.  

Perception!

Service work is where we can grow our recovery by leaps and bounds. Becoming active in our home group, taking a turn chairing, serving as a greeter, helping plan and deliver special events can turn out to be some of the most fun we've ever had ... 

and/or ... 

Service work can be a drudgery to nourish our resentments: 

"THEY expect ME to do everything. Wah, Wah, Wah."  Perception!

If "they" aren't doing-the-doing, "they" aren't reaping all the benefits recovery has to offer. 

It's their loss! 

And they put themselves at risk of a relapse by not doing-the-doing. 

Learning the steps, learning how to use them as tools for living a balanced life, offers us the opportunity to get to know who we really are, to discover our strengths, to experience our talents to the full. 

To not do the steps, to not work them, use them, treasure them - all of them - is to deny ourselves all the benefits of a joyful recovery.

Meetings are our ongoing medicine for treating our disease. And getting to our meetings is one of the best parts of being a member of AA. Knowing we'll see our friends there, getting to laugh with one another, getting to help one another through our bad patches, and celebrate our good times together, is hugely important to our recovery.

It's a good idea to ask ourselves from time to time, 

"Am I having fun yet?" 

 

If my answer is "no," I may be taking myself far too seriously. 

Our lives didn't end when we got sober, they got a reboot. 

Recovery is meant to be fun, too. Go find some!